The History of the World

by: Falconillo

Part 1

            ‘Twas in the beginning that the world famous botanist, Scary Spice, invented a way to make trees grow naturally in the wild.  She put them in packs called forests.  These forests were usually passive and tame, except in the principality of Oregon, where rebellious rebel forests overthrew the Anarchist government and formed a gymnogynarchy, which my Western Civilizations teacher claimed meant “rule by naked women.”  The Oregonian Forests ruled Oregon and parts of Easter Island for 7400 years until a Latvian gardener poured weed killer on the capital city of “Gepetto, starring Drew Carey.”

The History of the World

by: Falconillo

Part 2

Next, Rabo Karabekian invented gravity.  This occurred during the Golden Age of Grease when Zeus hurled an apple at Hermes, but missed.  The apple fell from the top of Mount Olympus, which is eight miles tall (or roughly 83 million sasquatches standing on each other’s shoulders).  The apple hit Karabekian at a rate of 275 miles per hour, lodging in his skull.  His skin grew over the apple, forming a bulbous glob that always itched.  When he died, Ash from S-Mart buried his body, his head, and the tumorous, decaying apple remains in separate graves, as is custom in the Olmec civilization.