PROLOGUE 

Farmer Jamal lived peacefully on a farm that grew Bluntgrapes.  For those who don’t know what Bluntgrapes are, they are plants that look like grapes but have weed inside of them.  Whenever you pick off of its stem, it lights up and starts to smoke.  You can either pick them and set them on something and inhale the smoke and get this crazy buzz from it and do back flips while holding a kangaroo, or you can throw them and watch them explode! The only health hazard Bluntgrapes has is the ability to make you explode if you inhale the smoke while snorting pudding.  On the packages they come in, it has a cow getting milked saying “Bluntgrapes! Healthy for the soul! Moooooo-tant League Football!”

       Farmer Jamal was an inner-city raised white boy who speaks Ebonics with a lisp.  He also has two peg legs and wears platform cowboy boots with mice in the bottom of them.  Most of the mice are dead, but he can’t take them out.  Naturally, Jamal is 2 foot 3, but with the cowboy boots on, he is 3 foot 1. 

His farm is located in Nebraska and he owns about 60,000 acres.  His house is built on 50 foot stilts, so during the drought season, floods won’t come and wash his house away.  Now that would be a mess.  He has a SlamBall trampoline on his deck so he can get down from his house.  The way he returns to his house is by climbing up the poles.  Sure it’s retarded but so is he.  When he does jump down, he has to land with this special metal bar between his legs.  Ouch.  Oh, I forgot to add that he only has one eye so, with his other eye, he has to see well, but he can’t, so that sucks for him.  He thinks the metal bar is a horse that just doesn’t like to move and is abnormally skinny.  He also wonders why it doesn’t eat the garbage he leaves out for it.  This causes him to wonder what smells so bad.  Every time he jumps on to the bar, he racks his balls.  Since has no common sense, he does it everyday even though the same thing keeps on happening to him. 

His parents were primal apes, turned tigers, turned ants, turned Gothic.  Since his parents also turned tree-hugging hippies with no sense of humanity, they neutered him at home with a dull knife when he was 16.  They replaced his real balls with rabid donkey eyes filled with iron.  Every time he walked, they made a clanking noise and everyone looks at him with a face that says “I want to kill you, faggot!” Also, the reason it really doesn’t hurt him when he lands on that pole is because he has no real balls.

            His family left him to join the traveling carnival.  His wife was the grease cook, his daughter was the flaming elephant mascot, and his son was the human piece of goat poo for the show that the carnival called, “Countryside Animals and Garbage!”  The real reason they left him is because he ate too many oranges while putting duct tape on his eyebrows.  But deep down, he knows the real reason.  He screwed a pig named Lily.

            He has a roommate too, and that roommate is very interesting.  He happens to be a run-down superhero from the 1980’s.  His name is Cliché man.  He stops evil by saying annoying, well-known clichés like, “Bling, Bling!” and “Why don’t you slap my armadillo, Tony!?” Saying those things makes the bad guys do misty flips off 35 and 1/2 story buildings and sing “Thriller” while jumping.  They fall to certain death on spikes that just happen to randomly appear at the bottom.  He drives an 1883 ford mustang that only has one gear and it can’t go over 33 mph.  The radio only picks up Iraqi soap operas, gay porn radio stations, “Texas Justice: Live,” nd a Jewish prayer channel with Rabbi Goondenhop.  The passenger door is nailed shut because one day, he was wasted with his 6 year-old friends after one of their birthday parties with donkeys.  He was driving and hit Gary Coleman riding a unicycle and he screamed when he got hit, “What you talking’ bout Willis?”

Now that you know all that, we can get on with the story, Mush-HAHAHAHAHA!