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THIS MAN IS NOT A NEWS REPORTER
Will all you morons in the 18-35 age group stop going to Jon Stewart for all your political
information? You are giving the rest of us a bad name. Because of incompetent
people, like you, who are too stupid to comprehend the big words coming out of the mouths of actual news reporters, I have
to put up with articles about how my demographic has no actual political knowledge.
Speaking of politics, is there a politician who says anything more than general statements that end with the words,
“a brighter tomorrow?” Do you want to do this country a service?
Then do not vote. If you vote, you are saying you accept our current government,
with all of its corruption and polarization.
Does it bother anyone else that we are taught that there are only two ways of thinking, liberal and conservative? What if I am one of those millions of people in this “land of the free”
who does not adhere entirely to one doctrine? Am I free to choose a candidate
who has the same beliefs as mine? No, there are only two that matter. Vote for them, or you might as well not vote. Fine, screw
you, I won’t vote. Maybe I will just enter the booth on Election Day and
punch the “write in” stub, so they will have to look at my ballot. Then
I will just write in big letters next to each nominee for president with a permanent, black marker, “Hell No!” Then the ballot tabulator would see the idiocy of our entire system of government
and just tear up all the other ballots.
Wow, I am like a modern day Robin Hood. Wait, Robin is too wussy of a
name. I am like a modern day Bubba Hood.
Wait, I don’t like to wear hoods. Let’s just say I am like
a modern day Bubba Ho-Tep. Screw that, just call me FALCONILLO!
by: Falconillo
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ROBOTS!!
“I don’t get
no respect!” This was the immortal line of the beloved Rodney Dangerfield.
His death came as a shock to all of us. With
a tumor developing in his right leg, Rodney really couldn’t do much for a while. Stuck in a “Hoverchair,”
Rodney was paralyzed. This is almost the same as Superman himself, Christopher
Reeves. Stuck in a normal wheelchair, he was paralyzed from the neck down. Think of the accident that caused him to be in the chair as a scene straight out of
a horse-riding/fighting game. Picture Reeves riding a giant, 1456 lb, horse then BAM! He
is off the horse smacked right on the ground with a broken back!
But
is his death tied into Rodney’s? Oh, it has to be! Think about it. What did they both do in life? They both made people laugh. Well, Rodney did it directly.
Reeves did it indirectly by the way he acted in that too-tight spandex Superman
suit. Too many herbal enhancers? Let’s
hope, not, I mean he is the Man of Steel! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT
THAT? GROSS! Anyway, their deaths
are basically one in the same. If you look in the scene from “Back to School”
where Rodney was talking to a drunk guy, you’d notice a small creature in the background named Gary Coleman, and he
is holding a rocket launcher. And if you REALLY think about it, what other movie
came out back in the 80’s that took the spotlight away from Gary Coleman when he was at his peak? Superman! So there! He
was out to kill Christopher Reeves and Rodney Dangerfield! How did he kill Reeves
then you ask? Well it’s simple. What
easily weakens Reeves and hurts him terribly? KRYPTONITE! DUH! While on his trip to Cuba
for some cheap fun with some corner junkies, he went to the local black market and purchased the last 30 lb box of pure cut
Kryptonite. The next day, he crawled through the dog hole in Reeves’ back
door and put the Kryptonite under his bed, all with out a hitch. All he had to
do to kill Dangerfield was call up Kurt Vonnegut to slip “a little too much” Viagra into his coffee. Soon enough, Dangerfield exploded, just like a nuclear bomb. With
all that done, Gary felt good.
You see, the deaths are tied together. Just remember, never steal the spotlight from an angry midget, he might try to bite
your ankles…….or worse…..kill you with a spoon!
by: Andy Kozlowski Esquire XXXXVIII
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